Pressure washing.

Everywhere I go, I'm surrounded by beautiful, radiant women who hate their bodies. Combined with the natural perfectionist/obsessive under current that follows around a lot of med students, I'm worried about my friends. But as one person, there is little extra I can do in my position.

I've lived those sorts of thoughts as well. I never had a full blown eating disorder, but I certainly had my fair share of disordered eating. And I too ignored everyone else's proclamations that there was nothing to change. When you have that sort of mind set, you look for ways to confirm it.

Truth is, there's no way of finding ease with your self through changing your body. The body isn't the problem; it is the mind. The beauty paradigm you store in your head. I was never able to change my own thoughts about myself until I stretched my thoughts about other people. And that's not easy. You have to put yourself in an environment where there's a supportive peer pressure telling you that something else is beautiful, and then you have to participate yourself. You know, become indoctrinated.

What we find beautiful is at least a half learned behavior. So you have to educate yourself.

I did this when I was in undergrad by joining a livejournal group where women posted pictures of themselves, often naked, and then we just showered each other with compliments. You found something, no matter what. You do that enough, and you really do start seeing beauty in other women. Eventually, even yourself.

And that's the thing, it is physically impossible to see your own beauty unless you see it in a very wide range of people. The pleasantries you give to your friends are not enough. You have to think these things without being prompted. Only if you let bodies be art, all of them, you'll be ok.

The crazy part is, you fall out of practice too. Eventually I grew tired of livejournal in general, and I stopped using the service, including the communities. I was quite fine for some time, but within a few years, I had gone back to my same old paradigm. Which of course, I never really realized how narrow it was until my own body changed by maybe 5-10 pounds. It was enough to put me over the edge back into self deprecation and the same communal dissatisfaction that we're all so familiar with.

I got sick a few weeks ago, lost a bunch of weight due to dehydration, and when I looked at my legs it was like this wash of relief over me. Like I started to recognize them again. Reflecting, I realized the thoughts themselves where what was sick. I mean, I had food poisoning. Vomiting bile, then blood. Couldn't get my appetite for a few days afterwards because I was constantly nauseous ..and I was...sorta happy? This is fucked.

And you look around at your classmates and they've all got a regimen. They're determined to become the doctor who walks the walk and looks like the pinnacle of health. Which is still airbrushed. Pressure washed.

So I've had to look inside myself a bit deeper and realize the range of beauty I see is narrower than it was four years ago. It is. I lost my artist's eye. And this is a shitty way to live. It's time to pull out some nude art. In fact, that's going to be my next couple of pieces after I get through this rough patch in school. Tests + volunteering + conference + papers due + projects + guilt over not studying for the STEP, blah blah. The drill.

Free time! Next week, you'll be mine. And we'll make something pretty.  Er...next next week.