Sunday, March 31, 2013

Internet, you're going to give me a complex.

I need to stay away from the internet. Especially when it comes to any opinions on dating advice past college, gender roles, or any analysis of my generation. Because the combination of those three (plus a healthy dose of craigslist personal ad gawking) is going to give me a complex.

I might already have a bit of one.*

Here's the thing. There are a crap ton of articles out there on how difficult it is to meet someone, even just make a friend, after college. I mean, college is the perfect time to meet people. You're surrounded by like minded people on an even playing field with tons of free time. And hey, since every one is going through so many changes in life, your social circles are rapidly contracting and expanding, which means the ball is rolling. Even if you're not very socially inclined yourself, there's always gonna be at least a couple of lonely extroverts who are motivated to put a group together, and you could coast on that alone. Or together...that's a bad pun.

Anyway, I get it. But if I read one more doom and gloom article about how once I get out of medical school, I'm going to get into a residency across the country, have to start over from scratch, and making friends is going to be an impossibility so welcome to being lonely for life...I'm gonna go nuts.

There are also a ton of articles on how hard it is for older ladies in the dating game. Because what does age and experience bring that could ever even out the fact that she is aging? I mean, why would a man not go for the hot young thing? Clearly that is the number one thing a woman can offer in a relationship, to the point of exclusion of anything below the surface. Really, it's the comments to dating articles that get the worst here. Some people are trolling, but really I think the vast majority are just stretching their opinions in a place where they wont get dirty looks for them.

While it'd be exaggerated to say this in real life, it's not terribly exaggerated to say that this is the mood of the internet. I mean come on there's even statistics to back it up.

Finally, I'm sick of reading articles that our generation is too lazy, too destroyed by the economy, too dependent on technology to socialize, or too whatever to be able to survive and turn into successful adults. It's cool. We've got this. The world is changing, and...we're too young to know any better.You may not be able to give us the same kind of advice that would have been useful for you at our age, and that's ok. Because, 1. We probably wouldn't listen to it anyway and 2. we will simply adapt to whatever the world throws at us. We're kinda in that stage of our life where adapting is simply existing and vise versa.

I know, I KNOW that the generation before us got the same crap. Oh! The debauchery of those under 30! Will they ever get their heads out of the oven and their shoes on the right feet? Please. Your generation was just as bad. In fact, it's likely you never stopped glorifying your escapades or  even stopped having them. Good.

Still, I take the three of these articles together and I can paint a fabulous watercolor of misery with my own future tears. I am well on my way to being knee high in debt that I am powerless to control, friendless, and past my expiration date as a woman. Fun. Looking forward to the future.



*But even though I can roll my eyes at being powerless or friendless, this expiration date thing really bothers me. Deep inside, I know not every one gets a happy ending. Meh. Everyone needs something to be a little insecure about. It makes us human.

How's that for a first 5k?

Oh, I am going to be sore tomorrow. See, I don't run. I've never run more than two miles in my life and the last time that happened was years ago. But an attractive guy offered to let me run with him soo....yes. I'm kinda stupid that way. 5 miles of running and listening to you talk about random glomerular diseases? Let's go.

Did I say I have a bit of a thing for the class gunner? It's been doomed from the start.

I made it at least the first 3 and a half miles before the blisters made themselves known and I had to slow down. Which hey! That's farther than I've ever ran in my life! Or eh, jogged at least. I don't go very fast. But hey! 3 and a half miles! Apparently I've got an extra reserve of 2.5 miles if I'm sufficiently distracted. If I can't impress the guys out there, at least I can impress myself. Go me.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


Yep, same format. Another five things on my mind.

1. First pharmacology test on Friday. I'm freaking out a bit.
2. So the train ride back from NY(this is a week ago), I sat next to a really fun guy who was traveling down to GA to start the Appalachian trail. Well, I didn't sit next to him, because when a train/bus/movie theater is full of empty seats it's awkward to just plop your butt down; I sat behind him. And then I told the attendant I'd take the same dinner reservations. That led to a conversation, which led to him moving his seat when the car began to fill with passengers, which led to us walking to the dinning car together and the waitress (who was a very no nonsense conductor of her car, filing everyone into the limited seats) told me that I would have to sit with my "husband" if I didn't want to sit next to another passenger, because the table was going to be filled with four people, this is community dining, that's the way it is. Did I say she was very no nonsense?

We thought this was hilarious and played along as though this was our honeymoon. Somewhere along the line that joking around turned into that we were on our first date instead, he gave me a soft kiss, and we slept on each other's shoulders. In the morning, we parted ways at our stops and that was it.

It was AWESOME. Yeah, I didn't know that 24 train romance was on my bucket list, but I'm crossing that one off. Anyway, we're playing a game over facebook that I haven't played in a while. Which leads me to point three.
3. I have a I like to call Muse. Basically, whenever I want to make art but I'm having a block, I used to get friends to give me words, normal or nonsense, and I'd make a picture. It all goes back to having assignments in art class where I spent as much time as I could trying to break the constraints of the assignment. At a certain point, I realized that my ability to 'think outside of the box' was very much tethered to there being a box in the first place. Otherwise, I just go blank. So the muse word is the box, and suddenly it is very easy for me to make art. I want to post the art somewhere, and since I'm not sharing it on facebook, I might as well put it up here yes?

His feet are cut off as well as a little man for scale. But that is life with scanners and non letterhead paper. And holy crap is that arm bugging me. Needs more shadowing on the forearm to make it look like it's bent, or it needs to be longer. Really needs to be longer because I contracted the tricep  so it's extended.
4. Please note that when I talk about my own art, I rip it to shreds because I'm not particularly attached to it and these things take maybe one night for lines and one night for colors. It is very rare for me to spend anything more than 24 hours on something, before I'm distracted by other crap in life. I fully accept critiques to my work, but it's hard to get them from the average Joe because they always compare it to what they could create. You learn to scrutinize your own work with nothing more than a shoulder shrug. So fer goodness sake, this is not self deprecation or for compliment fishing. I'm quite good at that too, but that's not my game here. ;p

But um, yeah. Other than that completely bizzare, seemingly unwarranted explanation, if you've ever got questions on how I make the stuff, comments, or critiques. I'd love it. Heck you can even give me a muse word, and I'll have fun with it if I've got the time. That's a promise.
5. I need to stop making obnoxious comments in my evidenced based medicine class. The problem is that no one shows up because the lectures are either extremely confusing or complete child's play and there's no middle ground. When a lecture is complete child's play, lecturers tend to lag because they're used to us being totally confused. I will say anything to keep a lecture going and I can't STAND awkward silences. But with so few people showing up, and fewer still who are willing to say something, those awkward silences start to bear down on you and you get a little loopy. Especially if the professor is walking through some class interactive question that is multiple choice yet all the answers are clearly throw aways.

Paraphrased Example Question: Your resident and your attending are in an argument about what is the most up to date treatment and they're citing conflicting randomized control trials. Do you...

A. This is a hierarchy issue, so just do what ever the attending says.
B. Use the attending's paper because it has a bigger sample size.
C. Use the resident's paper because it is newer.
D. Pick whichever paper was published in the better journal.

and the teacher will be like, " class....who wants to pick A?.... I don't see any hands?"

....and It's all I can take because I'm already loopy from sitting in the same spot for the last four hours and I have to cut this crap.

"Tempting, but NO." what the fuck did I just say? why the fuck?

Yet the guy chuckles and goes back to the long drawn out massacre of this question. And before you know it I am actually begging him to just skip to answer E and he acts like he is shocked. "Look, it's the only answer that allows me to READ and make the decision for myself. I'm not going to make some random decision based on an arbitrary factor that has very little to do with the overall quality of the paper!"

And he's so bewildered, he actually mumbles around on a topic and sort of chastises me for NOT using the argument that I just made? I just have to repeat myself. Then yay, we're all on the same page, we can move onto the next slide.

I just have to kill it. Kill, kill that awkward silence. My classmates have told me that they love me for telling it like it is, and I haven't gotten any real flak from it. I mean, I'm never cruel or sniggering with these comments. But there's a fine line that changes with the sensitivity of the listener, and I am just waiting for it to get me into trouble.

And really, this isn't just that one class, although EBM is particularly bad for setting me off. We had some dinner thing and they got the dean to get up and talk. He's a good ol' boy with a happy, upstanding attitude, which is a bit conservative and politically correct to the point of being slightly stale. In other words, he makes an excellent Dean and face for the school. Wonderful person. But not very approachable for questions, because he reminds you of an interviewer. Too nice. You're not sure if you can trust him not to judge you if you're not being...professional. I'm not sure if he actually wants to be talked to that way. Because he's got this thing where he acts sort of like a Dad who is trying to be cool to his teenager kids, and the kids aren't buying it.

So at the end of his talk, he asks if anyone has any questions...and there is silence. And then he asks again. And then some other faculty member does the cheesy, incredulous butt kissing talk of "Really? No questions for the Dean? This is a once in a life time opportunity folks!" and it gets to the point where I think he's actually a little hurt that no one is saying anything. Sad Dad.

But not for long. Because the silence is killing me inside and I'm going loopy again. Like going hulk, except you say asinine things and tear through social graces instead of buildings and stuff.

"No questions for the Dean?"


"No questions at all?"


I'm gonna kill myself.

"No ques..."

Bam! I'm raising my hand. Hanging my phantom noose, yeesh.

"What's your favorite color?"

Burst of laughter from the entire room and my brain is immediately racked with the post-outburst insecurities. OH GOD. Why did I say that? No one cares, it's harmless. But what if they do?

Yep. Well that could have been a post in itself. These are the things I think about.

Thanks for indulging.
-Kick Kick.

Saturday, March 16, 2013


Top five, 3/15.

1. I am in the thick of operation expand the social circle. It's been a month since my relationship ended, which has effectively blunted the last of my friendships from undergrad. The medical school class has well settled into groups at this point, so I'm on the prowl. Yes, even going back to main campus. My roommate has convinced me to start going back to swing. You know, this was the other way around at the beginning of the year. Funny how that works.

2. Swing dancing! Yep, my cardio is down. I remember being able to do a lot more bouncing around in the past before getting that tightening in the chest. Still, I think it'll be easy to get back. It's dancing. One of the few exercises that you push yourself right through being winded without some emotional struggle against demotivation. I mean, dancing. It's fun. I like feeling all the different styles the leads develop. A man really carries a lot of personality in the way that he dances.

3. Went over a practice patient encounter for adolescent pediatrics. Our girl was awesome and incredibly open. At 16, that would have not been me. Nope.

4. The fourth years matched today. And even though you may not know more than one of them, it is a big deal. The lower classes got a lecture hall reserved and streamed it live. People were making popcorn. And when someone matches, there's collective "awwws" and cheers throughout the audience. Everyone is huddled up, completely absorbed as a child watching Disney. You just look at these happy people, opening envelopes, and it's completely surreal that one day this will be you.

5. I am going to drown in pharmacology this weekend. Bathe in it.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Top Five!

Since I never seem to have any time to type, and the busy days are always when I want to write the most, I'm going to start doing Top Fives for the day. Because I store and store stories, waiting for the time when I'm going to be able to sit down and write for a couple of hours into the night. But those nights are gone with undergrad. And if I keep waiting, I'm going going to store stories until they crumble into dusty heaps in the back of my mind. It's better to just get down something, even it's vague. 

I think I can commit myself to writing more, writing less. And I'm going to keep on doing this until I finally get the chance to make something happen. 

So! Top Five for 3/14!

1. Went into the new born nursery to learn how to test baby reflexes today. Spent the rest of the day wanting to talk about how cute babies are and the fact that they startle reflex at everything like it's the biggest deal ever. Because at a day old, it probably is the biggest deal ever. I will never again judge parents for constantly wanting to talk about every random thing their baby does. I was only with them an hour, and I did exactly the same thing. And I'm not a parent.

2. I got so mad going through the electronic medical records training, that I gave myself diarrhea. Shit you not. 5 hours of my life that I'm not getting back.

3. Completely out of context quote of the day: "Well, to some people, love is more important than know, when they don't have life experience." #Med-school-is-just-like-high-school-but-with-better-gossip.

4. I need to invest in a better alarm than my phone. Now I'm behind another lecture. This weekend is for working.

5. Mr.Manic Pixie I met on the train sent me an email back from the Appalachian trail. squee. XD

Wednesday, March 13, 2013



I want to write. I have stories and thoughts. Of manic pixie dream boys and travel and dancing.

BUT I CAN'T. Because for the last couple of days it's been an onslaught of one pile of paperwork after another to set myself up for the wards in the next few months. Then there's a personal project for an overseas clinic project that has been completely tangled in bureaucratic red tape. I just wish I could grab a machete and start bush wacking. Then there's training modules for the electronic medical record system. And class. And STEP studying.

I want to write. I want to do it while it's still fresh. But fuck. Work has to get done first. Yep.

We'll get through this. It's more than survivable. But why do the busy ones always have to be the times you want to write the most?

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Beauty and the dog show

Spring break is wrapping up well. I am looking forward to coming back to the friends of my sweet little college town. Some bad ass salad would be nice as well. Road food really turns on the bloat. I might consider another paleo 30 day challenge to get myself back into fighting shape. Or at least a "screw you wheat, we really don't get along like I'd like."

But I really couldn't ask for a better spring break. It's been a true visit to childhood nostalgia  I blazed through a marathon of Madoka Magica with my best friend of elementary school. I played table top games with my sister and ate at her favorite restaurants. And finally, I'm in New York with my middle school best friend looking at art galleries, making jewelry, and generally just letting her dress me up before going out. And since she's in the fashion business, she gets really into it. 

It's given me a few new ideas. This spring break is sort of turning out to be a reset for me. Will I keep up with straightening my hair and makeup? I'm recognize that there's this vague sense that the profession would be more pleased with me. Straight hair = professional. Curly hair = hot mess and frizz. Make up = lively looking = professional. Natural face = tired. 

Truthfully, I feel like crafting the professional, put together, alpha lady look is like entering into a dog show. And I'm a dog who hasn't been trained for it. You can groom me and preen me. Hell, I can even walk the circles and keep my mouth shut for a bit. But you put a taco in front of me and it is squirting straight out the back end and I'm giving the guys good bye bro hugs instead of air kisses. Or I'm commenting that the paint colors in this picture remind me of watered down bile from the autopsy I went to some weeks back, so I think I like it the best. 

I guess I was never blessed with a lady filter. But I did manage to wear 3 inch heels that are a size too small for me as my primary shoes for the last two days with nary a whimper. This dog grooms well. Particularly if you put her in wedges. 

Some of this I will synthesize into my play. The greatest appeal of beauty is play for me right now. Oh, there was a time when I studied it like a science, for the purpose of appearing appropriate for interviews. But, muh. That's more of the damn dog show I'm talking about. Heh, but I'd be lying if I claimed I wasn't tempted to enter. I've got a small list of products I'm going to do price checks on when I get back home.

Regardless, this Spring break has been good to me. I feel like I'm starting fresh in a way. Tomorrow is going to be the start of another long train ride. I'll put down more thoughts then.

Be well.