Mobius Strips

Today was hell. The whole week has been leading up to a four exam, all day marathon which had left everyone on edge.

Exam day has almost become a ritual. It starts with the quieter students slowly trickling in, silently collecting around their lab tables and usual spots. It's almost completely silent with just the tapping of computers, flitting through slides to get that last bit in. 

As more people come in, a new atmosphere emerges. You hear pieces of the same conversations, you heard last exam, every exam. The usual -- 'Morning, How are you, How ya feeling sort of stuff. Someone states they feel unprepared, or they're going to die, or that they can't wait for this to just be over. There'll be moans and groans about lost sleep. Exasperated plans to go out as soon as it's over. This is just small talk about the weather. And while the emotion behind the words is essentially preprogramed, it is not meaningless. There's some culturally profound, steel tracks being laid down there. If people expressed whatever "feelings" they were really tumbling with, it would rile up everyone else, be incredibly inappropriate, and down right taboo. 

Ten minutes before the exam, the room's energy crescendos. Pop music is playing, the cheerleader types are burning off nervous energy through flying high fives, the med school weather talk has drowned out into a steady buzz. 140+ souls tightened into springs. Chaos swirling around pockets of agitated silence, still clicking away at slides. 

About 3 minutes before the test, the head cheerleader stands on a center table. This is the sign for everyone to cluster. He gives a cheesy, wonderfully grandiose speech to spur us onward, to battle. And on three, we all shout out the same cry we've held onto since our first anatomy exam, which is really just a muscle with a cool latin name. 

And the energy is a bit happier. Fresher. The test proctors are waiting at this point and rolling their eyes, but we need this. 

Then we enter multiple exams of multiple blocks. If you are done early, you are free to go back to the lab room while you wait for the next block or exam to start. I am typically a very fast exam taker. Once again, you show up early and the few people there are kinda quiet, studying for the next block. But as more people trickle into the holding tank, all hell breaks loose. It's a frenzy of "What did you put on for that troponin question?" and "I can't believe there where so many double negatives with so-and-so's questions! That's not testing your knowledge base at all!" "I've never heard of X, that wasn't in lecture!"

That's when I run and hide to the student lounge. It's wonderfully dark and full of couches, instruments, books, and art. This is sacred no-study grounds. Which means no one is in there talking about the test and I can completely soil it by studying for the next one. In quiet. 

And the day repeats as necessary. 

But between getting caught up in everything and just chugging from one thing to the next, I really missed on something more important today. I fucked up.

Between my first blocks of exams, I ducked into the peaceful room and started working on the next material. I was shaky on it, and I really needed the isolation. A little later a fellow student came in and asked if he could turn the lights down. I replied that of course he could. Laptops are back lit. These are sacred grounds after all. You always defer to someone who wants to take a nap or do non study stuff first. This is the one place in our world where it takes precedence. 

So he laid down and I sat in silence working through my slides. But something was wrong. He was sniffing a lot. But I always doubt my hearing, so I kept working. 

No he's sniffing. He might be crying. So I look up, and there's a bunch of chairs in the way and it's dark, but I can see his feet twisting on each other. Rocking knees. 

And I pause and go back to my slides. But you can't, because there's this person here. And you have no idea what the best course of action is. Because they might need help. But they might not wish it. 

I'm constantly glancing up to try to take in and process what I'm seeing. Which is funny, because I do it in bursts like I'm afraid to be caught being concerned. Because then this person that I barely knew, who always seemed very low stress, who prided himself on this fact in his actions, then I would be calling him out on it while we were only one block down, five to go. And having your pain be publicly recognized is often more painful than the pain itself. I want to protect his pride. 

And I am not ready for whatever unknown that could come out of a person 15 minutes before an exam. My motivations are split 50/50. Which means I feel at least half shitty, self serving person.

It was one of those moments where you know something must be done. The weight of choice presses past you and slows the very rotations of time. And there's silence. He's shuddering.

"You feeling ok?"

"Huh?" His voice sounds fine. 

"You look..." You look like you're crying but I can't tell and I don't want to impose on your valuable nap time (if you're actually sleeping, but you're clearly not) and I really don't want to accuse you of crying because I consider you a very masculine person and I don't want to give you the impression that I   think of you otherwise, because expressing that concern feels like a risk to damaging your pride at the WORST possible time. Ok let my brain *gasp* for breath, "...sick."

Coward.* 

"Oh. I'm fine. Just allergies."

That's bullshit.

"Oh, I have tissues in my purse if you'd like some" It's bullshit, but if that's what he's offering, I'll roll with it.

"No it's fine."

And then we both paused for quite some time. He stopped sniffing, but continued to rustle. I went back to freezing in my thoughts. He checked his clock, I told him it was ok and I was watching the time. About 8 minutes before the next exam he excused himself to go to the bathroom and left. 

For a clear conscience I'm going to need to follow up on this, and quickly before the next window closes. And most likely, I'm going to make an ass of myself in the process. But I'd rather look like one than feel like one.

You add my professor to this, and it's been a weird week. People are really frazzled right now. By Monday, we'll all pretend it never happened. 

Then we'll do it again.

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*I read this piece again, and the flow looked like that word could go to either person. I want to you to know...that's me. I'm referring to. Me. I'm keeping the same wordage because I think keeping my stream of thought intact is important.