First day without sweets. Also, it appears the genital and rectal exam schedules are up.

I missed a meeting today. One of those general student gov meetings where nothing important is actually said. But I guilted myself so much over it. Once I decide that something is my responsibility, I take it very seriously. I don't leave myself very much room to screw up. Then I couldn't pay attention in our exam review because I was too busy shaming myself over a lunch meeting where people just talk at you. Your contribution amounts to another body in a crowd of 50. And I know it's not a big deal. But I will guilt the living hell out of myself if I don't show. Especially if it's because I forgot. I don't know why that makes it worse, but it does.

When the review was over, I had to meet up at my preceptors office because we were seeing patients today. She keeps a plate of candy on a separate table and I could see she had restocked it with Hershey's kisses. Chocolates.

Naturally, I wanted one. A lot of it had to do with the fact that smothering my anxiety with chocolate was sounding pretty attractive at the moment. There's a certain jitters you get before you go to see patients and it's always compounded if you're already jittery about something else.

But when I realized where my line of thinking was following from all I could think of was, "what the hell?" Seriously, I'm going to assuage my anxiety with little treats? And then I had to shake my head at myself because...any anxiety that can be assuaged with little treats and goodies can't possibly be that big of a deal at all. Probably not worth worrying about.

In case you were wondering, I did not eat the chocolates. The temptation got a little greater when the other members of my small group arrived and of course started eating candies off the giant plate. However, I'm on a mission right now. I'm resetting my taste buds. There will be time for sweet garbage in my future, it's not like I'm giving it up for the rest of my life.

On a completely unrelated note, it looks like November is going to be interesting. I have an autopsy to attend, and we get to learn male and female exams all in one month! I think I'm scheduled to learn the rectal exam two days before Thanksgiving. You just gotta shrug your shoulders at that one. Whatever is, is.

The students who have already had theirs (we've been learning this one small group at a time), well those students said that some of the volunteers for these exams are actually our professors. Uh...ok. hmm. I mean a patient is a patient, but this is going to be interesting. On one hand, I have to appreciate the instant feed back of whether you're doing it right or not. On the other hand...it's weird. They're my professors. I'm just not ready to get to know them on that sort of level. Or to put it less lightly, I'm not ready to see them with their pants down while they tell me the proper technique for examining their prostrate/cervix/whatever. I mean, there's a reason we're not doing this exam on each other when that's usually how we practice.

It's not the body parts either. I have had very few squick out moments with the cadavers in gross anatomy. Only two. One day, I'll share them with you. I think what weirds me out is mixing nudity with the whole concept of teacher. There is a part of my brain that takes great comfort in norms and rules. Teacher is supposed to be clothed. Not only that, but those clothes are typically the ones that represent a position of great power and authority. Hospital gowns are the exact opposite of that. In fact I can't associate anything with hospital gowns beyond frigid vulnerability. So my brain is taking these two images and can't mash them up in a satisfying way. I'm not quite sure who is supposed to be the vulnerable one here. Is it both of us? But I know the volunteers do this every year. They're probably freer than a fart in the wind. So I guess it's just me.

I'll get over it. I always do. You wouldn't believe it, but I have a pretty good game face.