Really GI? now? When you know I really want to go to bed and not figure out the logistics of doing things I don't want to do into things I don't want to do them in? Now is the time?
But I must steady myself. Hell yes, now is the time. Because I know, that if I don't do this now, I'm going to have to push this back another day and then I'll be in school, and I'll be living last week all over again just to get that last sample. Besides, my roommates are asleep. Best figure this out now. Maybe this is a blessing.
Luckily, I had already decided what I was going to "go" in, and it was NOT a take out box. For the mental image, it's a hot pink bucket that was meant to be used as a trash can or a shower caddy for a dorm. Hot pink, lime green, and chocolate brown was the rage when I was 18. So I had that, a bunch of plastic grocery bags, and of course my brown paper bag of supplies for...sampling. And I ever so quietly ninja'ed these provisions into the bathroom, while praying to a god I've never known to not make my roommate get any sudden urges for the bathroom at this time.
Cause this takes TIME.
Now sarcasm aside, I'm going to write out how to take a stool sample to the nitty gritty detail. My hope is that sometime in the future, someone who needs to take their own stool sample will see this. And they'll laugh, feel better prepared, and tackle their business. Cause even though it sucks, taking the samples are worth it for your health. I don't waste my time on useless shit. Rarely does anyone.
So here's what you gotta do.*
First, screw any doctor who suggests you poop in a "left over take out box". That's going right up there in the list of top medical gaffs for me. You're going to poop in something that will support you. It can be a waste basket, or a 5 gallon painter's bucket, whatever. Just make sure it can hold your weight. Or, if you're a parent and have a toilet trainer for a toddler, poop in that. That would be luxurious.
BUT first! LINE that fucker with a bag. And push it against the tub so you can hold onto the sides for dear life while you crane in the grand piano. Test your stability for good measure.
You're still not ready to poop yet. Remember, we're assuming that you haven't eaten anything in the last 3 days that was on a no no list provided in your kit. No red meat, no liver, no crazy vitamin C suppliments. And no whatever else they put on there. I'm assuming you've already got that down. I'm also assuming you've been eating almonds and roughage by the handful to help you go. But no, you're not ready to poop yet, because no one can poop without peeing first. It's like a law or something. Number two does not come before number one. So you have to pee.
Pee what ever you can into the toilet. Don't poop in the toilet. Your bucket is lonely. Also, you will ruin your sample by getting it wet. How? I don't know. The directions said not to do that. But the directions also said no urine on the sample, so to prevent extra tricklage, You're going to need a wad of toilet paper to cover your urethra when you're having your bowel movement. Of course that leaves you with only one arm for stability. This is risky business. You're kinda damned if you do, and damned if you don't. For the young bucks, probably not a problem. I guess people with disabilities get bed pans to make this easier. I can't imagine this any other way.
Might as well save yourself the flush by the way. You're just going to have to flush later. Oh yeah, label all of your tubes and cards at this point. You're going to hate yourself if you have to look at what you did to them while you're putting on the labels later. TRUST ME. Not for the queasy.
Poop in your bucket! Use yoga breathing if you must relax yourself. But Yeah, be prepared for the smell. I'm not trying to insult your intelligence. I know, that you know, that poop smells bad. Everybody knows that. We're not talking about roses. But what you don't know, is why we poop in fresh, clean water. That layer of water does such a good job holding in the smell, that you know what? My past self could be convinced that maybe my shit really does smell like roses. But my present self knows better. Smells bad. So prepare yourself. Because you're going in closer.
Now, you get to stick your face in it like a bad puppy while you unhappily dissect your turd. Depending on what you are collecting for, your poop house will either be a tube filled with formaldehyde, or a paper card. The tubes come with minature sporks attached to the tops. For the paper cards, you will need to provide your own popsicle sticks. Armed with your miniature spork/popsicle stick you will carve out a chunk of poop from one end. When you flip open the card, they have two little spots to put smear some doo on. Pick one. For the tubes, just get it in there the best you can. Then you get to carve a chunk from the opposite end. Use the second spot of the card. For the tubes, again, just get it in there the best you can. In your disgust, you'll probably not put enough sample in. Tubes should have a marker on them of how much you've got to put in. Check and make sure the formaldehyde level is up there. Oh, and the tubes want sample from the middle too. So spork out a little extra from mid poop to go in there too.
Your sample is done. Screw on the cap tightly or close the card back up. If you haven't filled out the labels, I am very sorry. You're going to have to look at your success and smell it a little longer while you write that out.
Dispose of the poop! I just turned the bag inside out into the toilet and then flushed. But of course there is still a very gross bag to take care of. Put it in another bag and tie that up. This isn't clean business. If poop has dropped on the floor...I am so sorry. But don't be ashamed or feel you can't do anything right. Because I'm pretty sure we're all beginners here. Just clean up with a little bleach. Wash up your hands with soap and all that stuff.
Final step is to ninja everything back out of the bathroom, hide your samples at room temperature, and take a proud stroll through your apartment complex to the dumpster to dispose of your personal poop bag.
Then we do the heebee jeebee dance and call it a day. Maybe even write a blog about it. And you deserve a pat on the back, and something that tastes really good like raspberries.
Because this is sample 1 out of 3. And tomorrow, you're going to have to do it again.
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* But please, don't take this as medical advice. At most, consider it a supplement to you doctors advice from that crazy friend who talks too much and DOES NOT DISPENSE medical advice. BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A MEDICAL LICENCE. and if they did...they would never give you medical advice over the internet.
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