When I got out of my last exam this Friday, I just crashed. And this is the last exam related frenzy I want to work myself into. Not that it'll never happen again. It will. But Good GOD, self. Let's let this never happen again.
It all started with not buying groceries for last week. You see, it just occurred to me that I had reviewed the same lecture 3 times, and the whole thing was going over my head. Not because medical school is particularly hard. The majority of the learning process is no more difficult than learning a new word in the dictionary. The very reason is that medical school is hard is the fact that there is SO MUCH.
Usually I do ok. If I can make a big picture, everything will be fine. But starting this block of exams, we are officially entering the disease parade. Raw memorization is not my forte. I was falling behind and my brain tried to rescue me via a week long panic.
I will spare you most of the details. I did not each much that wasn't shelf stable. I slept restless.The last three days I was walking around with a permanent head ache. And by Friday, I was so bloated, I fit back into my dress pants that fit me 10 pounds prior--sans droopy drop crotch. Hadn't gained any extra weight. Things were just that messed up.
And the first thing that came to my mind was...hell yes. A whole new world of clean laundry just opened up.
Yeesh.
The grand finale of this of course was a fine bout of IBS that bordered on gastroenteritis. At least I was drinking enough water. Heh.
I'm full aware that I did this to myself. And it took a very dedicated boy friend and kind roommate to snap me out of it when it was over. I'm a lucky person to have them.
Suffice it to say, I got a good lesson on how important food and sleep are. A real good lesson. Without my steady steam of wonderful perishable green things....I am. so. screwed up. And for the people who are forced to eat like this on a regular basis....my GOD. I feel you so bad right now. How are you surviving the misery of your body constantly barking at you? I want to give you a hug and title you master of survival. You deserve it. Not the pain of course. You deserve the hug. The hug.
I'm not the only medical student who lives this way. I can't be. We are groomed in undergrad in the dream of being harvested for this behavior. Getting into medical school is a very long term, calculated effort on the part of the student. It is ridiculously competitive but confusing and enigmatic at the same time. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had in my pre med years that started with "What do you think they want? I mean really, really want?" Schools have tried to select against this tunnel vision by looking for applications with "diversity" or proof of some outside life in the form of non medical related extra curriculars, but you've still have got students who just respond right back with calculating that "unique angle"/sense of whimsy into their to-do list with the rest of the requirements.
The application process is just an obsessive free for all with everyone scrambling to cover all of their bases regardless of the source of information. That kind of attitude is hard to shake when you finally do get in. And we've all gotten really good at fostering either our competitive sides along with our tunnel vision.
Luckily, I am at a pass fail school. So there isn't really a breeding ground for the nasty stuff. But you'd be surprised what peer pressure can do otherwise. It is really normal to throw away the body for the sake of learning a bit more. No one bats an eye at that any more than the students who seem to be going to the gym every night or running 5Ks. This is like weather talk for us. We bond over how little sleep we're getting.
Yeah, we're a funny breed. There's a lot of swinging between excellent health practices and then saying fuck it all, being a doctor is more important than this. But once you define "this", it turns out it's human needs. It's screwed up, I know.
While writing this, I thought of an ally request I got on the Superbetter forums. The statement was that I seemed like a happy and extroverted person, and that they hoped this would be an opportunity to get to know a type A person better. And I was so confused, because 1. I never associated type A with extroversion alone. 2. I always assumed that type A = organized bordering on OCD, and 3. I actually covet the organizational skills of my peers, and their ability to make it look so dang easy. I spend a lot of time combating the feelings that I am the bumbling screw up of the class, even though I know that a lot of this is in my head. I even wrote them back asking to clarify what they considered type A. Cause hey, we must be running on different definitions right?
Believe it or not, I consider myself to be way below on the competitive, power student scale within my class. Probably because the "ROAD to happiness" specialties don't interest me in the slightest. Besides a bit of work for an overseas clinic, my extra circulars involve froofy things. Like painting sets for a play. Or writing a blog.
But then I wrote this post and geeze. Yeah. Whatever the definition you use for type A, the beast lies within.
Also, next goal to work on. Getting 8 hours of sleep a night. Let's do it.
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