I have this belief. Sometimes I just carry it around in the back of my pocket and forget that it's there. Other times I'm reminded to pull it out, reflect, and smack myself on the forehead.
The belief is that will power is little more than a happy collection of habits. Especially the will power we perceive in others.
Take myself for example. When I was in my late teens-early twenties, I had a friend who was struggling with weight issues. This was a friend who had a particularly harsh temper and was very defensive. For some time, our conversations went like this. She would bring up how much she hated her weight and her body, that she didn't know what to do about it. I would then flounder about how to respond. I had learned over time that bringing up suggestions to swap foods or adjust portion sizes was going to bring down a defensive wrath of "you think I'm fat", "you don't get it", etc. If I tried to tell her she was beautiful as is, that size need not define beauty, I would be labeled a liar or that "it's easy for you to say because you're skinny".
Eventually I realized that I regardless of what I had to offer on the subject, I wasn't in a position to say anything helpful. But she was a great friend. It was just this one sticking point.
So over time, I just listened more. Of course this resulted in some awkward conversations as well, the pinnacle being her stating that she was going to figure out how I got thin by examining what I ate. And then she proceeded to do so somewhat angrily, while making play by play comments. Long term, she did not adopt anything permanent from her "discoveries". However, she did continue to berate herself, and I continued to flounder with trying to figure out exactly what kind of support wasn't insulting.
But the point of this odd little story is, she beat herself up needlessly. My friend would swing between extremes of motivational highs and depressive lows regarding her weight. When things failed, she would self flagellate, blaming her will power. Calling herself pathetic and worthless. And each time it would happen, she would get angrier at herself, while simultaneously putting my "will power" on a pedestal. At the time, I really didn't get what was happening. Because...I really didn't see my self as particularly stubborn or powerful regarding my health choices.
I was born lucky enough to have good mentors to ingrain some naturally healthy habits in myself. And that's it. I don't stop eating something because I'm particularly willful. It's because I'm full, or I'm bored with the flavor. I don't choose water over juices because I'm willful. Its because I started too cheap to be above tap water, and now I'm used to it. I prefer the water. Other drinks effect my stomach somewhat like food. They don't quench my thirst and I find them irritating.
Or am I a better, more willful person now that lost my extra 10 pounds and got back to my undergrad weight? No. I moved closer to campus. I'm the same damn person I was over the last three years in grad school when I had to take the bus. But now it's faster to walk than wait.
Yet with the way society treats weight and image, it's not too far of a stretch for someone or some article to describe me as a "better self" or a better version of whatever.
I'm not. And you're not. There is not "better" version of who you are right now. Not your past self, and for hell not your future self. Your worth is the same as it was before and will always be the same. The only difference for the "better" person is that they are in a better environment, that makes healthy habits either easier, or more fun than the conventional choice. And once you do something long enough, that habit becomes the norm.
We would never admit to judging a human life on these things, but we do it to ourselves all the time. Funny right? I myself, have spent a huge amount of time trying to achieve "better versions" of myself. Oh, I had my own visualization techniques, guilt motivationals, and everything. Mostly it's been a waste of time. Nothing new has ever come from all that. No profound personal growth.
What of the times when I have grown profoundly? Really now. That's always been when I was outside of my comfort zone for some random reason or another. They've always come from having to wrap my brain around a new challenge or environment and discovering something from that. It's never by force of personal will. So I've come to learn something I never expected, that the vast majority of my personal growth came from the outside in. I stick by that.
If you want to change yourself, then don't touch yourself. Work on making micro changes to your environment.
So. Back to water. Today and yesterday went like this. With the new found information of how much my cups at home contain, I have been able to drink my totals in a day. But I only drink properly when I am at home, where the cups are. So the part of the day where I need my mental status most...I'm not drinking much. But I'm not going to beat myself up for this. Just taking the time to measure the volume in my cups was a change in my environment because it brought new knowledge to it. Writing in this blog was a change in my environment because it holds me accountable. Together, I've made much more progress than I would have otherwise. I may not be steadily hydrated, but I am at least flushing my system out at night.
My next step may be the game changer. Bring a bottle. Dramatic, I know. I'll need to figure out where to store that one extra thing in my already stuffed purse. But I've got this. Environmental micro changes. That's how I get healthier. Because hey, I'm not getting any "better".
Take care,
Kick Kick
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